last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love you. Go after that dick
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
