my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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