the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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