how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
