Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
