Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
