Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
