I think my fart just growled at me.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
