Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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