Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
