I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
