so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
