party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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