Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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