I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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