i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
