My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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