Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
