omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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