I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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