Do you still have your period?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
