Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
