My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
