even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
