You just made me feel so damn special
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
