He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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