I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
