You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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