What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
