I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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