i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The uberlube is also flammable
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
