My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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