Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
