A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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