just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
