Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize