And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
