If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
