I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
