Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
