Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
