worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
