My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
