I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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