end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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