she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
