i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
