If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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