threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
