Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
