there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
