my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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