Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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