my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
