so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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