i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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