I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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