Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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