I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize