Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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