is your mom at the bar?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
