I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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